I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
