I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
