My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
