So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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