Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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