How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
