i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
