xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
