Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
