i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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