Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
