It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
