This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
