Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
