Cold hands, warm shart.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
