haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
