i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize