Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
A+ Viking dick
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