I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
