Will you blow on my dice?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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