She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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