talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why are your pants in the freezer?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
