we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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