these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
