She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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