meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Is that strawberry winking at me??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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