Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
