Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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