it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
