I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
