HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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