Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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