a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
