This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
