just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
