Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
