I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize