i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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