I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
