this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
