I wanna bring you to show and tell
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
