I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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