Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
