A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
