my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
