It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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