you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
