he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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