i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
