I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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