two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
