if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
