glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize