I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
