You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
