I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
