How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
