matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
FUCK WHALES
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
