She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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