he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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