it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I understand Curling. That high.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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