the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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