Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize