I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
