remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
